Too much of a sacrifice?
She wants a "Jewish social life," people with whom to share Shabbat (Sabbath) and Yom Tov (holiday) meals.
Thus far, she doesn't seem to be bothered by what she's had to give up.
It occurred to me that, while Women's Tefillah Groups are certainly a wonderful idea, they have their limitations, and I'm not talking only about what prayers a group composed solely of women are not allowed to say--I'm also talking about the fact that they usually meet on only one Shabbat a month.
I will admit that I've become rather spoiled in recent years at our local Conservative synagogue--since there are so few members who know how to chant a haftarah, I get to chant just about every haftarah I know just about every year. That's a total of nine, folks, depending on the calendar: Noach, Shabbat Chanukah I, Terumah, Behaalotecha (same text as Chanukah, different day), Matot, Re'eh (2nd half of Noach), Ki Tetze (1st half of Noach), Shabbat Rosh Chodesh, and Shabbat Machar Chodesh.
Assuming that a Women's Tefillah Group meets only on one Shabbat per month, that's twelve WTGs per year.
I know nine haftarot.
Do the math.
One or two haftarot will probably be taken by Bat Mitzvah girls. Another few may go to women observing yahrzeits. And long-time members will probably get first dibs over a "newby" like me.
I told my husband that that, even if we joined a Modern Orthodox synagogue with a Women's Tefillah Group, it might be years before I chanted a haftarah again, and there might be years when I wouldn't get an opportunity at all. Since my Hebrew-reading skills are not great, it took me about a month to learn each of the haftarot that I know (and would take me about a month to learn any new one), so not chanting "my" haftarot would be a major sacrifice.
Am I really willing to give that up?
10 Comments:
Why is everything so absolutely. You could join a Modern Orthodox minyan, be with the other feminist women once/month for WTG, be a part of the Congregation once/month to go to the main Kiddush and see everyone, and go chant Haftorah at a nearby Conservative Congregation twice a month.
Why does associating with serious, committed Jews on their terms preclude the rest of your life.
I assure you, nobody takes attendance in the MO world.
In our town we have a number of people who are dual members of the MO and C shuls. Fewer than a few years ago (some people left the C shul as it became more egalitarian), but nobody ostracizes the dual members in either camp that I'm aware of.
It sounds like you are facing the same choice as Rabbi David Weiss Halivni. He said "It is my personal tragedy that the people I daven [pray] with, I cannot talk to, and the people I talk to, I cannot daven with. However when the chips are down, I will always side with the people I daven with; for I can live without talking. I cannot live without davening."
" . . . nobody takes attendance in the MO world."
:)
My old friend has stayed in contact with another woman who used to be a member of the same shul where my buddy and I met. The other gal lives in my buddies's new neighborhood, and davvens (prays) in a local independent egalitarian minyan. I'll have to ask my buddy whether that unaffiliated minyan is within reasonable walking distance of her new apartment. (I'm not so sure that the local egalitarian Conservative synagogue is within reasonable walking distance.) That might be a solution to my dilemma. Miami Al, thanks for making me "put on my thinking cap" and realize that there might be a viable alternative.
Shira,
It's a perspective thing. I grew up Reform. You arrived for services on time. You stood when the Rabbi said to stand, sat when he told you to sit, and went to Kiddush when he told you to... VERY different from an Orthodox minyan. :)
Before our first child, I started going to one of the early minyanim, a couple of my older neighbors were there (older = 40s and 50s), it was a fast minyan, not a lot of talking, and a small intimate Kiddush after, and I was home by 10:30AM.
My wife liked a minyan at a different Shul, where the Rabbi gave a class, it was very friendly, etc. I would go to the early minyan, stay for Kiddush, and head over to the other Shul, NOT put a Tallit on (so the Gabbai didn't grab me for an Aliyah or something), and hung out with my buddies there through Kiddush. Later, when my first child was born, for a little while I'd come home at 10:15 instead of lingering, and my wife could make the other minyan.
It's not so simple now, but people float. There is a Conservative Synagogue about 1.5 miles from our "community" center. One of the teachers at the local school was involved there (a relative was part of the clergy) and experimenting with more observance over at one of the Orthodox Shuls.
She told us a "slightly" awkward story... slightly in that she thought it would be but it wasn't. She was at the Conservative Shul, visiting her relative, and there was a Bar Mitzvah for a child where several of the Orthodox families were invited. A few of them walked down to the service (I have no idea if the Davened at home or with the minyan, I wasn't there), she found it awkward because she was there with a Tallit on. Nobody said anything about it, everyone was friendly, and they still greeted each other, etc.
Dual affiliation may not be common, but it's not unusual.
The REAL Modern Orthodox world is NOTHING like what you read on Blogs. Your experience visiting Larry was real, what you read online is not.
Larry, Highland Park, NJ would be a great place for us to live, were it not for the fact that it's too far from both my office and my not-so-healthy sister. Nothing quite beats having an egalitarian Conservative synagogue and two Modern Orthodox synagogues (one Ashkenazi, one Sefardi) within roughly four blocks of one another. But alas . . .
" . . . Rabbi David Weiss Halivni . . . said "It is my personal tragedy that the people I daven [pray] with, I cannot talk to, and the people I talk to, I cannot daven with. However when the chips are down, I will always side with the people I daven with; for I can live without talking. I cannot live without davening."
Larry, I think you've pinpointed at least part of my problem. At best, I would always be Orthoprax, not Orthodox--as difficult as it would be to make the switch, it would still be easier to follow the rules than to accept the beliefs. I'm a skeptic by nature, I guess, and tend to question just about everything and not accept anyone's authority on anything when I can get away with it. Ideologically/in terms of hashkafah, I'll probably always be more comfortable as a non-Orthodox Jew, but in terms of observance, Orthodoxy is becoming more and more appealing, aside from the non-egalitarian aspects. Even when our shul had several hundred members, there were never more that six families/individuals who gave mishloach manot, and two of them were the rabbi's and cantor's families. It just gets too discouraging, after a while. But it's probably also true that there may be many things that I wouldn't feel free to discuss in Orthodox circles, such as my non-belief in a literal mashiach/messiah, my belief that animal sacrifice should *not* be restored because prayer is a vast improvement, and--the "biggie"--my non-belief in Torah MiSinai. What I can get away with writing on my blog under a fake name is one thing, but, depending on the individual(s), what I can get away with saying in person may be another thing entirely.
"I can live without talking." Maybe Rabbi Weisss Halivni can live without talking, but *I* certainly cannot. That's what my blog--and my poor husband's ear--is for. :)
"Dual affiliation may not be common, but it's not unusual.
The REAL Modern Orthodox world is NOTHING like what you read on Blogs. Your experience visiting Larry was real, what you read online is not."
Thanks for the clarification and encouragement, Miami Al. Larry and Malka Esther and the Punster and I had some pretty good conversations over that Shabbat. We had a grand time at their neighbors' Seudat Purim, as well.
Shira,
Some of my friends know I don't believe in an actual Messiah, Obah Olam, literal revelation at Sinai, or much bible literalism. Not because I bring it up, but because I got asked.
They are kind of shocked that I keep the Mitzvot simply because I want to, but respect it anyway.
And our kids still play together and we eat in each others' homes.
Orthoprax is a GREAT term in the Blogosphere, in the real world, we all just kind of do our thing. People dress how they want, do what they want, etc. If you keep Shabbat (publicly) and profess a Kosher home, that's "enough" for wide swathes of the community.
We have friends that won't eat in the home of anyone that "eats out." We have friends that post pictures of themselves eating in non-kosher restaurants on Facebook. And being South Florida, plenty of the women may show up to Shul with a hat, and have photos of them in a bikini at the beach on Facebook.
Are their judgmental jerks in the Orthodox world, absolutely. I would suggest not being friends with them. I would ALSO suggest not being friends with judgmental jerks that are Conservative, Reform, secular, or Gentiles, you should avoid judgmental jerks. :)
You could absolutely find a nice network of other empty nester/retirees to spend Shabbat with... and PLENTY of people in the Orthodox world are NOT Orthodox in belief.
You generally don't advertise it, just like you don't publicly desecrate the Sabbath.
"You could absolutely find a nice network of other empty nester/retirees to spend Shabbat with... and PLENTY of people in the Orthodox world are NOT Orthodox in belief."
So the Orthoprax bloggers aren't the only Orthodox Jews who don't hold Orthodox beliefs but are observant anyway? This is welcome news for me.
"You generally don't advertise it, just like you don't publicly desecrate the Sabbath."
I'd have to learn to keep my opinions under my worn-in-shul-only hat, unless it became clear from the conversation that I had, as they say in the military, "permission to speak freely." :) That wouldn't be easy, given my big mouth, but I guess I could get used to it. Giving up traveling on Shabbat (Sabbath) and Chaggim (major holidays) would be tough, but might be manageable if I lived in a neighborhood with *both* a Modern Orthodox synagogue and an egalitarian synagogue or minyan within easy walking distance.
Shira,
Seriously, how often does this come up with people you don't know?
Hostess: How is everything, did you like the roast.
Shira: Delicious, so good even an Apikorus like me likes it?
If it's someone you know well and have a real conversation with, discuss it. You just don't advertise it.
I'm not in anyways secret about my beliefs, but I don't shoot my mouth about it.
I have no idea what most people believe, and I'm pretty sure that most people don't know what they believe, they haven't really thought about it.
If someone "believes" because their 1st grade teacher told them something, and they hadn't thought about it since, do they really "believe" it?
Plenty of educated people have non-Orthodox beliefs. Plenty of people DO have Orthodox beliefs. And the vast majority have never thought about beliefs.
Good points all.
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